Anxious Attachment & Letting go
Anxious Attachment & Letting Go: Why It Feels Impossible (And How to Do It Anyway)
Have you ever had to walk away from someone (or something) even when you didn't want to? Maybe a relationship that felt so right for you but the circumstances prevented you from being together; or having the experience of needing to stop talking to a parent or friend who wasn't treating you right?
Letting go is hard for anyone, but when you have an anxious attachment style, it can feel unbearable. I work with a lot of people in my coaching practice who find themselves at a (very painful) pivotal fork in the road; they are ready to make a decision but have no idea how to do it because the pain feels so intense and confusing. It can be a very difficult decision when you know deep down that walking away means choosing yourself; but one that also feels very confusing when you have been programmed to put the needs of others before your own.
Walking away is not just about losing a person—it’s about losing the connection, the comfort, the future you imagined together. It's about losing the version of yourself that you gave to them, and wondering if that version of you will ever feel safe to come out again. It’s about the unanswered questions, the “what ifs,” and the aching need for closure that may never come.
If you find yourself replaying memories, craving one last conversation, or feeling stuck in a cycle of pain, you are not alone. And more importantly, you can move forward—without losing yourself in the process.
Here's Why Letting Go Feels So Hard When You’re Anxiously Attached:
Anxious attachment is rooted in the fear of abandonment that was developed due to the lack of love, safety, and care you were never given growing up; and when a relationship ends (especially one that you don't want to) that fear gets activated full force. You might notice:
✅ A deep urge to reach out, even when you know it won’t help.
✅ Obsessive thoughts about what went wrong or how you could’ve “fixed” things.
✅ Feeling emotionally dysregulated; like you can’t function in your day-to-day tasks.
✅ Holding onto hope that they’ll come back, even if you know deep down that might never happen.
Please remember: Your nervous system is hard-wired for connection, so loss feels like a threat to survival; but I promise, you are safe, and you have the capacity to regulate yourself; even if you feel like you won't get through this.
How to Release Someone (Even When You Still Care for Them)
1. Validate Your Feelings—But Don’t Let Them Control You
You’re allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to miss them. But remind yourself: Feelings are not facts. Just because you feel like you need to talk to them and gain closure, doesn’t mean you actually do, or that it will help you move on.
2. Break the ‘Hope/What if' Bond
Anxiously attached people tend to idealize relationships and can easily ignore red flags. Instead of focusing on what you miss, ask yourself:
Was I truly getting my needs met, or just hoping they (or the situation) would change?
Did I feel secure and valued, or anxious and uncertain?
Was I loved in the way I deserved?
3. Stop Seeking “Closure” from Them. Give It to Yourself
Closure isn’t something someone else gives you. It’s a decision you make. Instead of waiting for answers, write yourself a closure letter:
What do you wish you could hear from them? Tell yourself those words.
What outcome were you really hoping for? Get honest with yourself.
What did you bring to the relationship? Focus on your good qualities.
What do you need to accept in order to move forward?
What lessons are you taking with you?
4. Regulate Your Nervous System
Your brain associates this person with safety. Now, you have to teach it that safety exists within you which can feel very scary when you are used to co-regulating with them.
Try:
🧘 Deep breathing exercises to calm your fight-or-flight response.
🚶 Moving your body (walking, stretching, or shaking off the anxiety).
🤝 Seeking secure connection—trusted friends, a therapist, or journaling.
5. Set Boundaries with Yourself
If you keep checking their social media, rereading old texts, or fantasizing about their return, you’re prolonging your pain. Ask yourself:
Does this help me heal, or does it keep me stuck?
What would my future, healed self want me to do right now?
Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Didn’t Love Them; it Means You’re Choosing to Love Yourself More in This Moment
The truth? You are not losing love. You are just letting go of the version of it that wasn’t aligned with you (or with them). Just for today, please remember, the love you seek (secure, stable, fulfilling) is still ahead of you and also within you.
If this resonated with you, reply to this email and let me know: What has been the hardest part of letting go for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
With love, care, and empowerment,
Jess